The Creases, The Grey Hairs, and The Week-Old Chicken

I don't know about you, but I'm becoming more aware of the creases and wrinkles etching themselves across my face. I'm 45, I love the sun (I slap on a bit of SPF50 daily), and these creases could probably be flattened out with a bit of botox. But from what I understand, that requires some ongoing maintenance, and that's not something I have the time, money, or general inclination to do. To be honest, I'm a bit CBF'd about the whole thing.

I have grey hairs, and twice a year I do something about that. But sitting in one spot for three hours in front of a mirror is up there with slamming my fingers in a car door – absolutely excruciating.

The point is, we're all aging and in some way trying not to. There's a degree of denial involved. Perhaps it's vanity, or is it fear? Probably a bit of both.

The Privilege of Watching Our Parents Age

Most of us are watching our parents age, which when you think about it, is actually a privilege. We still have time with them – that unconditional love, shared history, sense of identity and belonging that only comes from the people who knew us when we thought wearing our undies on the outside was a perfectly reasonable fashion choice.

The aging process varies wildly, depending on lifestyle, genetics, physical and financial wellbeing, to name just a few factors. Overall, our parents are living longer, and they may be needing more help and care during this final stage of life. In so many cases, we want to support them but simply don't know where or how to start.

There's some really interesting research from The Violet Initiative around the pressure and outcomes of being a carer who's managing children, a career, and care for aging parents. The "sandwich generation" – and trust me, it's not as tasty as it sounds. Around 1.5 million Australians in their 40s and 50s are juggling this reality, often without caregiver assistance or support from their employers.

The Signs We Don't Want to See

You might be observing changes in your parents. Perhaps they're becoming withdrawn, repeating themselves, not making phone calls, seeming flustered or disoriented. They may not be eating as much, drinking fewer cups of tea or water. The fridge might have food in there that's looking a bit grey-green, and when you try to throw it out, they object with the indignation of someone defending their life's work.

On several occasions, I found ham or a BBQ chicken in Dad's fridge that he'd "only bought yesterday" – despite said meat having colonised a small village of slimy-looking bacteria in shades of greyish-green. The barcode indicated it was well over a week old, but it was hardly touched. Dad would look at me like I was being wasteful, while I'm thinking this chicken could probably walk itself to the bin at this point.

There's medication that they need to take and appointments they need to attend. You worry that they'll eat that week-old chicken or slip in the bathroom. There's a mental load that you carry while trying to run the rest of your life. And you do it because you care – because they're your people, and this is what we do for our people.

The Help We Need (But Don't Know How to Get)

It's imperative that we get some help, yet so many of us struggle with this on our own, or as a family, trying to do our bit. There are services out there that are genuinely helpful, but they take time to implement. If we don't familiarise ourselves with them sooner, by the time we actually need them, they're months away – buried under hours of bureaucratic acronyms, applications, assessments, and recommendations that make tax returns look like light reading.

There are small things we can do around their house that may provide a sense of relief and security. However, much like cleaning out the fridge, these may also be met with objections as our parents want to maintain their independence and don't wish to give up their own agency. This needs to be handled with the care and diplomacy usually reserved for international peace negotiations.

The Practical Stuff (With All Its Complications)

• A MediAlert bracelet or necklace is a great security step, but they have to agree to wear it. Good luck convincing someone who's never worn jewellery that now's the time to start accessorising.

• A smartwatch is another excellent tool, but they need to remember to charge it or put it on. And let's be honest, if they're struggling to remember where they put their glasses, remembering to charge a watch might be optimistic.

• Slip mats or railings in the house can reduce fall risk in the bathroom, kitchen, or garden, but the aesthetic of these may not please them. Nobody wants their home to look like a hospital corridor, and fair enough.

• Motion detection cameras can provide some peace of mind and alert you to a fall or lack of activity, but they may feel invasive and like an intrusion into their privacy. And again, fair enough – nobody wants to feel like they're under surveillance in their own home.

• Webster pack medication is beneficial and can reduce the risk of error, particularly for those with memory issues, but may not include PRN medications and can be difficult to open for those with arthritic hands. It's like designing child-proof bottles for adults – sometimes the cure creates its own problem.

• Walking sticks or walkers can be easy to implement, providing more stability, but they require some arm strength. Ideally, a physio or occupational therapist should be consulted about what's more appropriate. Not all mobility aids are created equal, and getting the wrong one can be worse than having none at all.

  
  

The Vultures Circle: Protecting Our Parents from Scams

Here's something that makes my blood boil – the absolute scumbags who target our elderly parents with scams. It's like they can smell vulnerability through the phone lines, and they prey on the very qualities that make our parents wonderful: their trusting nature, their politeness, and their desire to do the right thing.

I was in the office one day, Dad in his, when the phone rang. He beat me to it, and I figured it was a call for him. A few minutes later, he walked out of his office with his little notebook in hand, seeming a bit flustered, and said to me, "Quick Nook, I need to know which of these is the business card. There's a guy on the phone telling me we need to do something or our internet and computers will be turned off or wiped."

My heart sank. I asked if he'd given the man any credit card details, and he responded that he hadn't, but that the guy was waiting on the phone and we needed to pay, otherwise everything would be shut down at midnight. Dad was 82, and he'd started this business back when we had bookkeepers who kept a ledger – well before Excel and the internet became part of our daily vocabulary.

I took the phone and told the "technician" exactly where he could shove his midnight deadline. The relief on Dad's face was palpable, but also the embarrassment. Here was a man who'd built a successful business, raised a family, and navigated decades of life's challenges, and some piece of human garbage had him scrambling for his credit cards.

The financial security of our elderly parents is under constant threat, and it's not just from dodgy investment schemes or lottery scams. These predators have become sophisticated – they know exactly which buttons to push. They create urgency ("Your account will be closed today!"), they impersonate trusted institutions (banks, government agencies, tech companies), and they exploit our parents' unfamiliarity with modern technology.

The statistics are heartbreaking. Australians over 65 lose millions of dollars each year to scams, and that's just what gets reported. Many victims are too embarrassed to tell anyone, let alone report it to authorities. The financial impact can be devastating, but the emotional toll – the loss of confidence, the feeling of being foolish, the erosion of trust – can be even worse.

When Small Steps Aren't Enough

It may eventually come to the stage where these small modifications simply don't suffice, and we need a more hands-on approach. Our parents may need help dressing, preparing meals, or remembering to take their medication – constant care, even if it's only an hour per day. Now, try as we might, we cannot be in two places at once (trust me, I've tried). We'll need to engage external services, and that, my friends, can be a long and arduous process that makes climbing Everest look like a gentle Sunday stroll.

Some Practical Steps to Protect Them (And Your Sanity)

• Have the conversation early. Talk to your parents about scams when they're still sharp and confident. Make it clear that these calls happen to everyone, that falling for them doesn't make someone stupid, and that they should always check with you or another family member before giving out any information or money.

• Set up some safeguards. Help them register with the Do Not Call Register, though honestly, scammers don't care about that list. Consider setting up call blocking on their phone, or getting them a phone that only accepts calls from numbers in their contact list.

• Get involved in their finances – carefully. This is delicate territory because nobody wants to feel like they're losing their independence. But perhaps suggest that any significant financial decision gets run past you first. Set up their internet banking so you can monitor for unusual activity. Make sure they know that no legitimate business or government agency will ever ask for passwords or PINs over the phone.

• Create a family code word. If someone calls claiming to be a grandchild in trouble, they should ask for the family code word. Scammers are clever, but they can't guess that your family's code word is "bananas" because of that time Uncle Terry got drunk at Christmas and did his monkey impression.

  
  

The financial vulnerability of our aging parents isn't just about scams, though that's a huge part of it. It's also about them potentially making poor investment decisions, falling behind on bills, or being taken advantage of by unscrupulous salespeople or even family members. Financial elder abuse is more common than we'd like to think, and it often comes from people the victim trusts.

If you notice unexplained withdrawals, sudden changes in spending patterns, new "friends" who seem overly interested in your parent's finances, or bills that aren't being paid when they used to be on top of everything – these could be red flags worth investigating gently.

Getting the Help We All Need

The good news is that help is out there. Thankfully, The Violet Initiative has a great support program called Violet Guides, which is there for you to explain your position, what you're dealing with, and what resources are available to assist you in your particular situation. Because sometimes what we need most is someone who knows the system, speaks the language, and can help us navigate this complex world of caring for the people who once cared for us.

Whether it's understanding aged care services, protecting against financial scams, or just figuring out how to have that difficult conversation about driving or living arrangements, we don't have to figure it all out alone.

We're all just muddling through this together, one day at a time, one expired chicken at a time, one scam phone call at a time. And that's okay – that's part of being human, part of loving people, and part of life's messy, beautiful, complicated journey. The trick is knowing when to ask for help, and remembering that protecting our parents' dignity while keeping them safe is one of the greatest acts of love we can offer.

Ciao for now Amigos!!

Nook x