My first memory of death is at age seven. My grandfather was riddled with cancer. The family decided to cease the medical intervention - the only thing keeping him alive.
We all have memories of funerals. We know the sadness , the overwhelming sense of loss. We remember songs and flowers. We remember being with our family and old friends at the wake – talking and laughing.
He had a will and all legal and financial matters in place – he was a solicitor. There are personal belongings, a home, things that needed to be managed and dispersed. There was talk of fairness and value that I didn't understand at the time. There are sad and tense conversations, conflict and confusion.
When dad’s best friend died we were devastated. It came from nowhere in a way, he was in his mid 70's. He was the sort of character that you just felt would be around forever, so full of life. His death was sudden; he went in for a standard heart procedure and died following complications.
At the family home we were gathered to help support and arrange what needed to be done. The family were making decisions around the obituary, the funeral date, church availability, the hymns, the caterers, collecting information and photos for the booklet. The phone rang incessantly, calls were being made, flowers delivered, friends dropping by.
Which photos to use? Who should do what at the service? What should be in the eulogy?
Watching frustration unfurl when an opinion or idea is misunderstood. Perceiving the little rifts starting to form over trivial details. Blended with grief was conflict and confusion.
We have all been there, that helpless feeling, not knowing.
My childhood friend turned to me and said “Mate, please sort this shit out with your parents before it’s too late”.
So when my dad died a few years later, I’d had a conversations with him. I’d asked about flowers, music and beliefs. We’d had a conversation around his funeral and I knew what I needed to do. There was no to and fro, no arguments or hurt feelings.
It was a simple conversation, and because of this we were able to grieve, take phone calls, messages of condolence, share stories, go through photos and have a laugh in his memory
What we were painfully unprepared for, is the stage that follows someone’s death and funeral; The transactional nature of death. The sad administration and onerous tedium of paperwork, document verifications and submissions.
Language we were unfamiliar with, terms and conditions that we didn’t know existed, information we didn’t have or couldn’t get because it required something else that we couldn’t find.
Managing accounts so that your mother’s health insurance would continue, transferring the car ownership so it was registered and insured, phones to redirect, banks, lawyers, the ATO, Medicare, insurance companies, newspaper subscriptions – the list goes on.
It takes us months to manage this; there are costs incurred you cannot anticipate. It takes time. Hours on hold, waiting to speak to someone and tell them yet again that someone you loved is dead. All this is happening while you are trying to move forward, continue with your own life. There is conflict and confusion.
As a society we are grossly underprepared for the decisions and implications surrounding the end of life. There is a genuine need to start conversations and build our education around death and dying, so that we are clear with our families about our wants and wishes.
People tend to consider their death when they are faced with its immediate inevitability; the loss of a partner or someone close, a terminal diagnosis.
The exponential growth of early onset dementia and the loss of mental capacity, adds to the increased need and urgency to have our decisions in place. Without this we have no control over our care, wellbeing or quality of life.
Changes in our family or financial circumstances can be drivers for initiating the legal and financial responsibilities associated with our death. There is a litany of services available for Wills and Estate Planning, yet only 48% of Australians have this in place. The Violet Initiative have identified only 14% of Australians have an Advanced Care Directive in place, a free document available via the Australian Government. So why are we not doing these things?
I believe this is because there is a distinct lack of knowledge and understanding around the death and dying process. We don’t talk about it and therefore we don’t learn about it, until it is upon us. It is a steep and difficult learning curve, often leading to significant impacts on our mental health.
In a perfect world we know what to expect, we’ve had these conversations, we have the education and understanding of what is to come. Our choices and wants are clear and understood, there is no conflict or confusion.
I want Adios to be the platform to support you prior to your end of life, to remove the transactional and administration burden of your loved ones.
I'm designing Adios to facilitate the conversations you need to have with the people that need to know.
Adios will educate you and your family about the inevitable, providing administrative guidance and resources, reducing the transactional burden on your family during a painful time.
Adios will deliver a step by step process to put your arrangements and preferences in a central accessible place delivering practical support to the people that matter during one of life’s most difficult times.
Adios will take the sad out of sadmin.
I am continuing my research into our preparedness for our inevitable end of life. Death is not a joyous subject, however the vast majority of us (74% of the people I have interviewed and surveyed) would rather a celebration of our lives rather than a somber, sad occasion. For this to happen we need to get our shit together and tell people what we want. We need to have the conversation and if we do it now it's not sadmin. It's just admin.
Right now I'm trialing out a version of Adios. If you are curios or want to understand what is involved and the decisions that need to be made and considered please feel free to have a crack at Adios (link here), at the very least it might be educational and hopefully it's a little bit helpful.
Muchos Gracias Amigos!
Nook
PS. This version is a long long way from perfect, it might even be a bit of a distance to good! Please give me any and all the feedback you have - I can take it!
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